Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
