I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
