I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
