if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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