I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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