Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
