sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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