I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
