Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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