the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
