i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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