wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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