mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
