We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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