fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think I have vodka in my lungs
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
