dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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