i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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