I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
