Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
