i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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