I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
