dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
