On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there's paper in my vomit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
