I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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