Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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