OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
