I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
