Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
