Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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