Since when is my name a synonym for head?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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