I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
