I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
