You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
