Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Randomize
