It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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