He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize