so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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