My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
