No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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