OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
