So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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