You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
