I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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