Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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