Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
