I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
