24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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