I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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