Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i out mim tonsoeep
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