man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
