The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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