dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
