Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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