she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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