Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize