i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
