a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize