I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
